I have wanted to talk about this one for some time now and so urgent is my need to vent about the unique creature called Riverdale, that I am actually going to break my usual rule.

So, full disclosure, I have not seen all episodes of this show. Queue the shock, horror and general aghastness, but I will not apologise for this one. I refuse to subject my brain cells to viewing any more of it than I deem necessary to form an opinion about it. This way I can devote my time to doing better things, like finding the writers and furiously educating them on how normal people speak.

For those unfamiliar with Riverdale, I recommend you stay that way. But if you must know, it is a TV show based on the world and characters of Archie Comics. A group of four teenagers, the hunky yet sweet ginger Archie Andrews, the bright-eyed blonde sleuth Betty Cooper, the beanie-wearing snack enthusiast Jughead Jones and the business savvy Veronica Lodge, go through life in the small-town solving mysteries and dealing with their own personal struggles.

What started out as an innocent enough series with a pretty compelling mystery, eventually devolved into a show that struggles to maintain consistent themes, characters or stakes. And the dialogue, oh God the dialogue. There are plenty of Youtube videos that can demonstrate this far better than I, so just type in ‘Riverdale being cringey’ and you will see about 100 different examples showing exactly what I mean.

Despite all of this, the show is still incredibly popular. This would not be too surprising under normal circumstances, as something never has to be exceptionally made or competent to be popular (look at our politicians), but come on. This is Riverdale. It sets the bar so low that sea-floor creatures struggle to limbo underneath it. I even kept watching it episode to episode even though I hated most of it. Clearly is must be doing something right.

I have come to a few conclusions as to how it achieved the success that it did. My first is that it can create good suspense and mysteries. Yes it does the very old trick of leaving every episode on a cliffhanger, and every season on a massive cliffhanger, making the viewer hungry for the next one. This is definitely aided by a weekly release schedule, which the showrunners were very smart to keep when going to Netflix. However, a mystery is only as good as its resolution and this is something that Riverdale seems to have never learned.

For as much as it likes to build up suspense, giving ample twists and turns, none of the resolutions have been that satisfying. For example, the third season introduces the Gargoyle King. A Dungeons and Dragons inspired character who is the source of cult rituals and blood sacrifices going on in the town. Sounds promising. Yet the actual reveal of who the Gargoyle King is changes nothing. It could have been an unnamed homeless person and it would not have mattered in the slightest. And this is exactly what happens for every major reveal. It is actually an ingenious strategy to create so much suspense without having to put any thought into them, since they do not need to be resolved. As soon as they solve one mystery, a brand new one is introduced to keep viewers hooked and money in the producers’ pockets.

My second guess is that the show is very geared towards its market. It is designed for the teenager/young adult crowd, with it being set in a high school and the main cast being schoolkids. However, it goes way above and beyond the usual pandering that high school shows do, which often present their main cast of teenagers as being very successful and who show up the adults around them who ‘Just don’t understand their struggle!’ Pretty standard power fantasy stuff that is basically the adolescent version of not going to sleep at their bedtime.

These kids though, my word, there is just nothing that they cannot do. Veronica Lodge, for example, might be the single most accomplished 17-year-old in history, running several businesses while being a cheerleader and Harvard-quality student. Jughead manages to juggle being a successful writer and a gang leader. Archie survives being mauled by a bear, escapes from prison and briefly pursues vigilante work. My personal favourite example of this is when Betty manages to defuse a bomb strapped to her sister before anyone else in the room full of TRAINED FBI AGENTS manages to. I honestly worry about how damaging these portrayals might be to actual teenagers. They might start to think less of themselves if they do not own seven-figure businesses or fight wild animals before they can legally drink.

One defense I have repeatedly heard for this show is that it is not supposed to be taken seriously. It is based on a weird and zany comic book series after all. Now there is some merit to this argument, and normally I would be willing to let all of Riverdale’s strangeness slide because of this. Unfortunately, this cannot be applied to the show because it very clearly wants to be taken seriously a lot of the time.

Riverdale covers a lot of very real world issues in between the crazy overarching plots. Physical abuse, rape, homosexual persecution, PTSD and wealth inequality just to name a few. These seem very out of place standing alongside the nonsensical comic book adventures, at least in the way they are presented. It is possible for a show to have mixed tones and maintain all of them cohesively, but Riverdale just does not manage in my opinion. I personally think that it just goes too dark with these more serious issues that the contrast between them and everything else is just too jarring. The very VERY cynical part of my brain tells me that these moments are just there so the studio can earn moral kudos without having to actually make something meaningful. I truly hope that is not the case, but I would not be too surprised if it were.

There is something to be gained from watching Riverdale, and I do not mean ironically watching because ‘it’s so bad that it’s good.’ Nor am I going to recommend it as an example of how not to write dialogue or story. Those points are overdone. I believe that Riverdale can serve as an excellent example of marketing and how to keep an audience engaged. As I mentioned before, its strategy regarding mystery and plot twists can keep people coming back to it, but it is also filled to the brim with tropes and aspects that the teenagers and young adults supposedly love. I do think it goes too far with its branding that it alienates any other group from enjoying it, or anyone who has actually seen how people talk, but it seems to get the job done for some people. So take note, aspiring writers. This is how you get a really specific audience, apparently.

Regardless, Riverdale remains one of those strange entities where I cannot quite fathom how it came to be. There is clearly some clever practices going into the show, or it would not still be running, yet the absolute ineptitude on display by its writers makes me question if they know which end of a pen to use.